kaeya’s fingertips trace down his bare spine, eyes following various scars childe has received in his lifetime. he is marred. beyond repair. but kaeya kissing the top of his spine makes him think otherwise.
no man can fix him. dottore has told him that he's nearly all scar tissue and these scars will stay forever. it's not like childe minded when he told him that. he found it kind of cool. he certainly likes looking at them, knowing he survived every encounter. got stronger in the process. he doesn't really need to be “fixed” when this is who he is.
what he doesn't like is kaeya’s face when he inevitably visits mondstadt, bleeding from an open wound.
he lets him in anyway. even when he dirties his floors with his own blood. even when he's saying things he shouldn't say to kaeya when he's losing a lot of blood. kaeya doesn't respond to these words anyway. he doesn't make it known the following morning when he lets childe sleep on his bed, far away from each other.
it's funny, childe thinks. kaeya will touch him like this when he's all bandaged up, but becomes miles away when they go to sleep. he wants to know why.
“you’re so far away sometimes,” childe says. then adds, “when we sleep,” to clarify. “why don't you ever move closer?”
kaeya’s finger pauses. he can feel his gaze on the back of his head, but childe doesn't turn to meet it. “it's something personal to me,” is his answer and childe nods.
“i see,” is all he says. it's all he can say so he doesn't ruin this moment.
he lets kaeya trace every scar on his body. he has done this a hundred, a thousand times. by now, he must know where each one is without having childe to strip bare. but he still touches them with rapt attention. childe doesn't know what it means, but kaeya is touching him softly. as if the raised tissue on his skin was a language he wanted to read.
childe takes a moment to relax now, posture slouching to the point where he's leaning on kaeya’s chest. he angles back far enough to the point where they’re both lying down, childe between his legs. he can feel kaeya freeze, but doesn't push him off.
“today was a little boring,” he starts to tell him, staring blankly at the ceiling. “i haven't been assigned to any new missions lately, so the days are passing by slowly.”
kaeya hums. “really.”
“mr. zhongli and i ate out a couple of times, but i was a little out of it.”
as patient as zhongli is, even he has a limit to how much a person can just go mm in a conversation. in fact, he was worried about his state of mind, sending him back to his temporary stay in liyue to rest. childe couldn't stand being in there so he left to go fight something.
that had been boring too.
kaeya begins running his hands through his hair.
“is something on your mind?” he asks, glancing down at him.
childe shrugs. “no idea. i've just been....being.”
kaeya touches him like they're lovers sometimes. it's the way he drags a finger down the bridge of his nose and traces the freckles on his cheeks. he looks at him like he wants to tell him something. all the time. but childe never makes him say it. in his own time, kaeya will tell him. no matter how curious childe is, kaeya has to do it on his own.
besides, sometimes childe feels like he knows what it is.
tonight, kaeya taps him on the shoulder to make him sit up and he does. he turns around, settled on kaeya’s lap with a pleasant little smile on his face.
“need something?” he questions.
something must have happened to kaeya today if he's acting like this. more affectionate. touching him with a sort of subtle desperation that makes childe’s heart pound. he wants something from him, childe thinks. he hopes it has something to do about this. about their intimacy they haven't put a label on. about their late nights when they’re breathing in each other’s air and their movements are rough. about how kaeya wraps bandages around his heart. about how childe stupidly picks calla lilies before he visits, even if he's bleeding.
about, about, about.
kaeya takes a hand and smoothes his hair back, pushing him down lightly to press his lips against his forehead.
childe swallows, feeling the hummingbird pace of his heart.
outside mondstadt is quiet. it's different from liyue, where it is constantly alive and moving. mondstadt is still. unmoving. the summer night air breathes past kaeya's open windows and it brushes kaeya's bangs. he's so soft in the night. slightly chapped lips. a little sleepy haze in his eyes. his walls have less bricks now because they're alone. and because the night shields him from the exposure of his emotions. he thinks this way, he won't be seen. but childe sees everything.
oh, but in the morning, this will be all gone. kaeya will remember how to act – when to curve his lips and motion a hand. he’ll smirk at him, perhaps comment on his bed head. he'll check on his bandages and his wounds, hands hesitating to touch his skin (but of course he holds back. it's morning, after all. too exposed). and he won't bid him goodbye when he leaves for work. he knows childe will come back sooner or later. and he will let him in. every time.
childe likes to think kaeya doesn't want to be alone. he doesn't necessarily like that kaeya feels this way, of course he wouldn't, but he does enjoy that kaeya leans on him. it's all childe could ever ask for.
in the night, they could be lovers. they would, if they actually fell asleep without miles between each other. they would, if kaeya ever let himself. childe has already done his part and he is willing to wait for eons.
it's almost routine. childe comes in, bleeding, somehow still alive. kaeya gives him a onceover and lets him in. he strips him down and gets his medical supplies. he doesn't ask him what happened, he just works. childe will give details whether or not kaeya wants to hear it. the snip of gauze. the sting of ointment. kaeya will place a kiss at his neck. he will touch him like he's fragile. childe suffocates and wants more, always does, but they go to sleep and childe knows kaeya lies when he says he slept okay.
routine feels more like ritual. this is something they have to do.
but kaeya is unpredictable in many ways, and he's kissing him so sweetly that it almost feels violent.
childe does not need to be treated gently. look at him. look at his skin. look at his hands. look at him. look at him—
kaeya looks at him as if he is divinity itself. as if the way his lips move speak of prophecies. he whimpers something into kaeya’s mouth. he doesn't know what it is, just something to let kaeya know that he doesn't want to stop. that he isn't going to shy away. that kaeya can take anything he wants from him.
his nails dig into his skin. oh, maybe it will scar. maybe it will stay forever.
there are bloodstained calla lilies sitting on the floor beside kaeya's bed. he wanted to apologize about the mess. it's what he's thinking about right now. it's what he can think when he can't handle kaeya's tongue slipping past his lips, pulling out a noise childe wishes he didn't make. they've done more than this. most of the time, their kisses feel more like bites. they've done so much more than this yet this is what breaks childe to pieces.
what happened today? he wants to ask. why are you kissing me like this?
the questions crumble to dust when kaeya bites his lip. he is wonderful at evasion. childe falls for it every time, thinking he'll ask kaeya about it later.
it's only when those kisses falter, and a sob rips through the room that kaeya forces them apart.
kaeya’s starlight tears are coming in streams. they're seeping through his eyepatch and they're dripping down his face. childe watches this with a sort of-wonder. he has never seen kaeya cry. he knows kaeya never wants to cry in front of someone. it makes him wonder how long he's been holding it in. if his tears could fill in empty lakes.
he's trying to push him away. he's trying to hide his face.
“kaeya,” he says gently, catching his wrists when they try to shove him off. “kaeya.”
childe doesn't know what to say. he doesn't have perfectly crafted responses like kaeya does.
but he has his love. perhaps it is enough. even if kaeya doesn't know what to do with it yet.
he pulls him in, despite kaeya weakly pulling away, until his face is in his chest. his tears fall against his skin, harsh, shaky breaths coming out in pants from how hard he cries. childe thinks he tries to say something, but it comes out nonsensical and he doesn't pry.
“it's okay,” he tells him, hand resting on his head, smoothing out his hair. childe wonders if he will feel relief after this. or maybe, regret. “you'll be okay.”
it's an ugly feeling childe experiences then. he should not be happy that kaeya is crying. but it's not his tears. it's not relishing in his misery. it's kaeya being comfortable to be vulnerable in front of him. he feels....like he should not take this for granted. kaeya has put his trust in him – that childe won't scrutinize and won't suddenly think differently of him after seeing him cry.
“i'm sorry you had a rough day, sweetheart,” he whispers, kissing his temple. childe is unsure whether or not that is what he should say. it's vague enough since he doesn't know what happened to kaeya prior his arrival, but he tries.
“water,” kaeya says, lifting a hand to wipe his tears. “can you get me some—”
childe kisses his temple again and carefully pulls away. “of course,” he replies.
when he comes back from the kitchen, kaeya is sitting on the bed, elbows resting on his knees. he's still covering his face and when his nightstand catches his eye, childe finds that kaeya has his eyepatch off.
he sits down on the floor in front of kaeya and presents the glass of water where he can see. “here,” he says. “drink.”
kaeya sniffs. “thank you.”
the scar on kaeya’s is mostly hidden by his hair, but childe gets a momentary glimpse of it.
by the time kaeya finishes, childe is still on the floor, but now is leaning his cheek on the bed. he watches kaeya situate himself, undoing his hair from his ponytail with a sigh.
childe tries not to stare too hard at the way his hair falls.
“don't you want to ask?”
“ask what?”
he motions to himself. “why i was crying.”
childe shrugs. “only if you want to talk about it at all.”
he stares at him for an indeterminable amount of time with something lingering in his eye. he hums, a little unconvinced, but he doesn't press further.
“well, get up here,” he says, getting under the covers. “and turn off the lights.”
aside from the moonlight seeping through kaeya's window, the room is dark. it's comfortable and a little humid from the summer, but cozy nonetheless. it his nothing like his room in liyue and it is so far from his place in sneznhaya. he thinks he likes this instead.
as childe gets under the covers himself, he lies down on his spot, away from kaeya’s back turned to him.
“good night,” he mumbles, digging his head into the pillow. he breathes in deep, trying to ignore kaeya’s scent in the sheets. “sleep well.”
kaeya does not say anything for a while. he thinks he's gone to sleep already.
childe figures he should go to sleep to.
however, in the middle of the night, he is awoken by kaeya's arm circling around his waist. startled, childe lifts his head up, finding kaeya already looking at him. his eyes are puffy from tonight's tears, but he's still so pretty. elegant.
when kaeya’s eyes fall back down, childe does so too. this is kaeya’s way. he isn't going to ruin it by breaking the silence.
kaeya pulls him close and the childe is not so humid anymore. it's perfectly chill with kaeya's skin against his back, his vision granting him this sort of serenity. he can feel kaeya relax against him, arms tightening around his waist and finally—
“good night,” kaeya whispers, pressing one little kiss to his shoulder. “and thank you.”
in the morning, childe expects the bed to be empty.
but it is not.
he is presented with kaeya in all his glory. blue hair splayed out against the pillows, glowing against sunbeams. lines of the sheets imprinted on his face and arms. and he glows. he glows. his lips are parted sligtly, eyes closed in a dream world.
childe watches him for a moment before he stops, not wanting to be creepy and lays back down, tucking himself against kaeya's back.
somehow, they've managed to flip their positions in the middle of the night and he was blessed to wake up with kaeya’s hair tangled in his own face. childe simply thought it was heaven.
and it could be. it could be heaven. with kaeya’s tangled hair and childe’s scarred back. the bloody calla lilies on the floor next to childe’s stained clothes. he wants him like this all to himself, and kaeya is no stranger to this fact. would kaeya like that too?
childe saves the thoughts for another time, however. kaeya is stirring awake, turning around and digging his head in his chest to shield himself from the sun's wrath.
“hey, you,” childe greets.
kaeya gazes up at him, unblinking.
“hello,” he smiles.
yes, childe thinks. this is heaven.